


A Kiss and a Curse: Seducing the Vampire Clans and Testing the Society's Patience

by LucisLibari



Series: Twilight London [1]
Category: Mage: The Ascension, Vampire: The Masquerade, World of Darkness (Games)
Genre: 20th Anniversary Edition, Academic Writing, Descriptions of sexual acts, Humor, I apologize for nothing, Important Vampire Research, In Universe, Other, Paradigma, Smash or Pass: Society of Ether Style, Sort Of, This got started from a one off joke in a discord server
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-01-31 13:14:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21446785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucisLibari/pseuds/LucisLibari
Summary: In the Summer 2007 edition of the Society of Ether's academic journal "Paradigma", an archmage infamous for her strange choices of study had an article published in the haphazardly thrown together electronic publication. The researcher, named Cita Ventura, had spent two years and eight thousand dollars of grant money running across the globe in order to answer a deeply burning question: Which Vampire clans fucks the best?Here is the answer to that question, in the form of a long-winded, anecdotal ranking of every clan, based entirely on how well they can get it up around an eccentric lesbian mage.Enlightened Science, indeed.
Series: Twilight London [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1982036
Comments: 20
Kudos: 31





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> So. I haven't posted to AO3 in two years. I became an adult. I got into WOD. Shit changes. Trans rights. 
> 
> People from the discord server: Hi. You did this
> 
> People stumbling across this: I can't say I'm sorry, I regret nothing. Also write more Mage: The Ascension content and join the discord server - https://discord.gg/w6wAsg

We, as Etherites, are masters of the physical world, extremely adept at seeing something and figuring out every way that we can make it tick. That’s why I love being among our ranks, studying alongside people who never say “that will never work”. That said, I think we’ve limited ourselves, to the world of Sleepers and the world of the Awakened. Rarely have I opened Paradigma and seen anything vaguely related to the world of the supernaturals we brush shoulders with, despite the endless potential. Surely, we can expand our paradigms to incorporate sciences a bit more social, and a bit more supernatural, I thought.

The committee that looked over my grant request did not seem to agree with me. That said, considering that I am writing this now, I got the fucking grant anyways. Thank you, Dr. Delante, for being the only understanding man in that boardroom. 

So, dear reader, student of Enlightened Science as we all are, what was so direly important to me I sat in a stuffy conference room for 5 hours taking a stand on why I should study it? Nothing short of Vampire behaviors, of course. We know so much about these creatures of the night, I told a board of my fellow Utopians, yet we do not know exactly how they hunt. How they act around mortals or who they perceive as mortals, or how they fuck.

Yes, what you are about to read is the efforts of me, with the help of my darling apprentice, researching which vampires make the best lovers. Paradigma has published weirder, and I know as I’ve read it. My entry knowledge was slim but better than most - one must spend blood to get blood if a vampire hunts through the intricate art of the sideways tango, as the Blush of Life allows the undead to pretend they’re alive for a moment. Beyond that, though, they all have something to prove in the presence of someone with a heartbeat. This is especially fun when you know that for all the big talk about being above typical mortals, they will be under you before the night’s end. 

Some disclaimers before I continue:

\- My research will be in the form of a ranked list. There are many clans, and there is no question that some can get it up better than others. While there is some room for individuals to shine through, I’ve had enough of a testing pool to make enough of a solid conclusion.  
\- I will admit that this is an inherently biased perspective. Some traits of a clan might turn me away while ultimately be right up your alley. I aspire to be the educational side of Paradigma, so take everything with a grain of salt.   
\- On the topic of education, this is part organized thoughts and opinions, part guide for those curious about courting Kindred. This said, Kindred are individuals and should be treated as such. Feel free to use the methods detailed in chasing after a sanguine sweetheart, but be prepared to change your methods and tailor them to the specific skirt you’re chasing. I’m a researcher, not a pickup artist. I have class.  
\- When referencing specific people, names have been changed. Likewise, I will only refer to the only person loony enough to help me on these escapades as “my apprentice”. Again, I have class.  
\- On that note, English Etherites probably know who the apprentice is. I will still share embarrassing anecdotes about him anyways. Obscuring his name is merely for posterity. I'm sorry, Raul. Better you than I.  
\- I need to say this so I don’t get angry mothers in my mailbox: If you are under 18, please do not read this text. Flip to a different article. Put the Paradigma down. Do your homework.   
\- Finally, any vampire who tries to kill me for this article will merely prove your clan's worthiness of their placement. If you've got something to prove, come and fuck me instead. Cowards.

Now, onto the meat and potatoes of this ordeal. Finally.


	2. 13.) Giovanni

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last entry on this list belongs to the secluded Clan Giovanni. It was a miracle Cita survived the ordeal, both while in the field and in the weeks and months following the article's publication.

See, I’m a thrill-seeker. I put the clan second-to-most likely to kill me last. The only reason they wouldn’t is because getting any use out of me would give their sensitive little fangs boo-boos and they’re hellbent on minimizing teeth boo-boos because no one loved them enough to kiss it better. That’s what happens when you kill your dad! Your one-night stand is not responsible for your daddy issues!

I made the mistake of taking a plane to Venice in order to give the family a fair chance. This was not paid for by the Etherites, which thank heaven as I’d not want to waste well-argued for grant money. Rather, my dear apprentice has what I’ll call an “extremely close colleague” with a vested interest in my work, and volunteered to pay for the trip. I have fewer qualms about wasting his money.

“The Giovanni are sadistic, Cita,” my apprentice told me. “You must be careful, for their kiss only causes pain,” says the masochist. I will say nothing about him or his relationships with his very close colleague, all I’m saying is that he’s a fucking hypocrite.

See, the orgasmic pleasure of the Kiss is the Vampire’s best tool in the bedroom. It’s an indescribable feeling but its both my healthy addiction to it and danger that I took on this undertaking. However, the flaw of this clan is not just their pretentious attitudes, but that their kiss causes blistering pain. So, out goes the window the inherent erotic appeal of bedding a vampire. For love or good game, however, this could be ignored, too bad they also fail in both categories.

Courting Giovanni is as hard as finding a needle in a haystack- and just as satisfying as getting the needle wedged in your fingernail when you eventually do find it. The Giovanni, on some odd principle, probably the daddy issues, are incestuous. No embracing outside the family, no relationships outside the family or its ghouls, false-breathe around someone who isn’t a Giovanni and you might as well be a peasant. Nauseating, really- if any of my compatriots are interested in researching echo chambers I’d skip the Technocracy and move your investigations to Venice. Even sticking my foot in the bedroom door was a challenge, and I was not turning into a ghoul for the sake of what today’s scholars call “good pussy”.

Thankfully, my apprentice could metaphorically be called a ghoul and made wonderful social bait. But this isn’t about him. That’s between him and his therapist.  
To put it lightly, the women of the Giovanni clan are definitely unfamiliar with the word “compromise” or even, and this may be bold, “please”. Every girl I managed to seduce was a complete and utter pillow princess, which typically I don’t mind until they snooze on the job. Even in the waking moments, it was all about ordering me around and getting various blood-collecting devices under my skin. If only the needle analogy stayed analogous, one of my partners tried to stick a syringe in my arm during the act! Unfortunately for her, I had already gotten my flu shot that year, and I’m fully vaccinated, so this was less thrilling and more of a total buzzkill.

** Case Study: “Gundelinda Giovanni”**

This encounter, at the end of my trip to Venice, was what truly nailed my coffin shut, and will probably scar my apprentice for life. It started when we were lucky enough to simultaneously avoid Paradox and sneak our way into a private Giovanni clan event, which is to say, a typical Giovanni clan event. I was being irresponsible, getting drunk on the probably-supernatural wine laid out (It didn’t taste of iron so I’m likely fine), and began chatting up this girl, Gundelinda. She was fascinated with me, which was ultimately new, interested in “expanding her palette” to include tastes of Awakened. This was not nearly as flattering as she thought it was, but an effort is appreciated in affairs of love and war.

  
We shared some words and a dance or three, but by the time my apprentice came running for me I had already been whisked up the spiral staircase and into a spare bedroom. The first of many red flags came when she insisted that I undress her from her...intricately assembled gown. Thinking that this was some sort of foreplay I was unused to, I ended up getting a bit lost in her ribbons and other such baubles. Resigning myself to just have lace tied around my wrist until the end of days, the next problem came in the bold assumption that she would be taking the lead in this waltz. As my memory served, hazy as it was, a 300-year-old woman with no experience in the bedroom with women was a recipe for utter disaster. Thankfully, or perhaps unthankfully, that was a trainwreck I never got to witness, as right when I took off my own shirt, I had been surprised to find that a needle had been placed right into my forearm. This was at best subverting expectations and at worst a syringe being driven into my fucking arm, so I had to politely excuse myself by booking it out of the room with nothing but the syringe in my arm, the quite expensive bra on my chest, and the pants on my legs. I do try to give credit where credit’s due, Gundelinda had quite the striking voice while screaming that I ought to be murdered.  
To say my apprentice was not amused while calling the cab was an understatement, as no good self-preserving homosexual man should have to witness a topless woman in any capacity, let alone his own mentor. Things could be worse, like how our poor cab was chased by a suspicious black boat through the canals at two in the morning. Odd. Worry not, I tipped well.

In conclusion, the Giovanni are for the sorts who are masochists to the point of self-hatred. I’m not one to kinkshame, but if excruciating pain, incestuous messes that makes one’s family tree look akin to a spider web, and needles are up your alley, maybe book a plane ticket to Venice, but not to London, as we have very little in common.


	3. 12) Ventrue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, everyone! Sorry for the long wait: finals kicked my ass and this chapter fought me every step of the way...either way, enjoy! Cita is getting...quite exhausted.

I had higher hopes, really, truly, I did. The imposing, filthy rich leaders of the Camarilla? Oh please, I’d never have to sit in a board meeting again if I could get a sweet immortal sugar mommy to keep the lights on in my Chantry. Oh _please_ use Dominate on me, I’m used to doing all the work around here! I suppose the reason they’re so low is because I set my expectations so high. For those desiring a blood-sucking glucose guardian of their very own - I suggest an especially well-off Toreador, as the Ventrue’s clan curse seems to be being _a major pain in the ass._

They are very classy, dinner must come before the fun, and I want to thank my dates for the best food I’ve ever had to not pay for in my life. That said, dinner conversation is absolutely exhausting. For one- they very much expect a very decent base knowledge of vampire society and all of its terminology and drama, and while I knew just enough to keep up, I was still pretending not to be lost. Worse yet, I say this knowing a good bit more about vampires than the average mage. It’s easy to say do your homework, but I don’t know how you’d find a definition of “ancilla” if you’ve never heard it before (It means a vampire who’s lived long enough to actually be worth something in vampire society, you’re welcome). Second off - it’s truly a test of patience on how much centuries-old drama one can handle before asking for the check and going to reschedule their flight. All of my testing pool would go on for hours on the he-said-she-said that started before the invention of the printing press, which is an especially quick way to ruin the mood. Finally, I had one ask me if quintessence had a taste, because if it did, it would absolutely ruin her night. Allow me to get started on _that._

Once again, I must reiterate that the orgasmic feeling of the vampire’s Kiss is their most useful tool in sex, because it seems that when their “dark father” was dishing out the clan curses, he seemed to forget that. Almost all of my specimens were utterly disgusted at the idea of even putting their precious fangs near me, and the subsequent lecture was worse than the Kindred TMZ report at dinner. Oh, how dare I not know how your inability to feed on anyone isn’t a British virgin, as well your inability to roleplay. Though, I imagine that if good acting could trick them, the Ventrue wouldn’t have much of a clan curse outside of their attitudes. Much like the Giovanni, these types haven’t been told “no” since the 13th century, and not even reshaping the Tellurian could get them to budge on anything (for less experienced mages, please get your mentor to explain that joke to you). So when I said I wasn’t going to do something ridiculous, like tie myself up for a kinkier girl, they get all huffy and haughty and it’s mind-numbingly frustrating.

None of this compares to the hell I had to put up with after I had fought tooth and nail to actually get an orgasm. Now, it’s important to note that almost every vampiric bodily fluid is blood, yes, especially the relevant ones. This is not a problem when the experience is enjoyable, but when I was more often than not exhausted, and my partner was assuming the blood everywhere was _my_ problem, it was not going to put me in a better mood. Not much of pillow talkers, I’ve learned, and that might’ve been the highlight of my experiences, as it let me hit the road much faster.

** Case Study: “Melanie LaBella”**

With all I’ve said, even in the midst of my research I thought to myself, “Well, what if I found a Ventrue who could only feed off of the Awakened? She’d be delighted to see me!” I did find one, and quite quickly in fact, but help the Clan’s case she did not.

I do not remember Miss Labella’s “generation”, or her “closeness to Caine”, but it was very much a point of pride for her. The Dark Daddy may smile upon her but his judgment means nothing to me. She had a very nice residence, though, and plenty of stories. See, her condition had her tied up with the Awakened since the Sorcerer’s Crusade, which I was initially over the moon about. Finally, a topic I could understand! The theme of this entry is me getting my hopes up. I quickly learned that this woman had it in her head that she was at the helm of the Ascension War, and I had to sit through a dinner of her basically belittling the ‘Electrodyne Engineers’ for ‘thinking they were above the limits of regular magicks’. Riveting. For the curious, I did not even bother updating her on the name change. I also did not tell her about our cousins in the Virtual Adepts. I wish to save them the headache.

Dinner was foreshadowing of the main event, as she was disgusted at the fact that such ‘regular magicks’ was out of my toolbelt. She was looking for dinner and a show, and I had to pull out tricks that would get every member of the NWO in the area a foot up my ass to appease her. Once I showed that I hadn’t lead her on about my mage status, I finally got the bite I had craved and missed dearly, and by god, it was blissful for all of five seconds. Then, she screeched in disgust, saying how I tasted disgusting. Great for the self-esteem. She then went on to tell me she only drank from mystics and told me to leave. Nevermind that she believed that I, proud Etherite, was a mystic, but the Electrodyne Engineer comment tells you everything you need to know.

For the Ventrue, I’m of the opinion is similar to that of the Giovanni. The hoops I had to jump through are egregious, only to then put up with phenomenal snobbery and disrespect when I got there? A waste of time. If you’re swooning, and you know that you’re their type in all accounts with absolute certainty, I’d still say double-check. Dancing with the Ventrue is a lesson in patience, precision, and setting expectations.


	4. 11.) Tremere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI. LONG TIME NO UPDATE. School and COVID destroyed my energy for literally anything, but now I have a lot more mental health tools and time on my hands. This is my longest chapter yet, so hopefully that makes for something? 
> 
> Also! I'm now doing little sketches for chapter "splash" art! I just like drawing Cita and Raul a lot. You'll be hearing more of Raul later, I think. For now, the older chapters are going to have their splash art edited in, and every new chapter will come with them baked in! 
> 
> Now, let's get onto the writing itself.

Now before we begin here, I must clarify that this entry was _ not _sponsored by the Order of Hermes. That being said, I take thanks in cash. 

With that out of the way, nothing I’ve ever heard about the Pyramid has ever been good. They’re reclusive, hard to find (noticing a pattern?), and have been perfecting the art of appropriation since they broke off from the Order of Hermes. Oh, and they think we forgot. As if the Hermetics forget anything. The local Hermetic Chantry keeps detailed records of how much Nando’s they’ve bought me, and they expect me to pay that tab back! I’m spending my grant money on _ plane tickets _ and _ strap ons, _ Elizabeth!

Ahem. 

Now, to give the reclusive Hermetics- I mean Tremere, their due, I decided to give myself a vacation to Vienna, like someone who was doing something worthwhile with their fickle time on earth. I did my time, saw the sights, and bought the t-shirt. I must put immediate points in their favor, though, they’re the first clan on this list to not have a clan curse that makes everything about fucking them an absolute pain in the ass. The fact that this is a pro shows you how thoroughly exhausted and jaded I have become.

That- and they tend to be the academic types, so topics of conversation will not be hard to find. Even if not looking for a lover, I recommend finding a Tremere for a good unbiased party to bounce ideas off of. Ignore this advice if you’re a member of the Order of Hermes, or you’re invested in staying on good terms with the Order of Hermes. 

Here is where my compliments end.

While things to talk about are not hard to find, Tremere tend to both love the sound of their own voice and have too many skeletons in the closet, so listening to them talk about themselves is often about finding the point in a field of pretentious cotton fluff. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree in this regard, so this is something I in particular was used to. More often than not, though, discussion turns to argument when I misinterpreted something, and I didn’t even get to ask for the check before the sorcerer of my eye ended up storming off. 

One may think to bring up their practice in the presence of a warlock, but this is perhaps the worst idea I can think of. Despite how they boast about Thaumaturgy being the better of magical arts, I have yet to meet a Tremere who wasn’t fantastically butthurt at descriptions of what I do in my laboratories. Perhaps it’s because all they have to show for their centuries of work is abominations to mankind and a multi-level marketing scheme, but I digress. 

While on the note of multi-level marketing, if you’re intent on replicating my research and bedding an abundance of Tremere in the same area, take a hotel room. All the Tremere of a city live in the same chantry, much like Hermetics, and word travels fast among their ranks of just what you’re up too. You have a less-than-savory experience with one of their magistrates, the Pyramid in that town closes their doors to you forever. Started getting odd looks in the streets of Vienna after dusk after a certain point, and by that I mean completely shunned and almost run out of the city. So, I will admit, the last leg of my Tremere testing pool was wrapped up while I was in New York. I wouldn’t bed a Tremere again on account of the chantry gossip alone. 

To back up a bit, though, surely the Thaumaturgy is enough of a show to make the experiences themselves worth it? We’ve all had our fair fun with Hermetic Certamen, the logic follows that the undead pioneers of the art do it best. If you thought as much your folly is the same as mine. In short - the Thaumaturgy is wasted potential. There need to be kinkier Tremeres, to be candid. I was in Vienna, I was spoiled for choice, there just seems to be a lack of creativity within the Pyramid. No one ever used it for anything, or if they did it was a fairly _ concerning _ rite they we’re ‘workshopping’. 

We’re all magi, here. We know what ‘workshopping’ means. Dangerous! If you gain one thing from this piece, it’s to not be a warlock’s lab rat. I’ve done that for you. 

**Case Study: Madeline Seidel**

Madeline was my last stop before I left from Vienna, and where I learned of the Tremere gossip machine. Actually met her in a way that was almost a meet-cute, I was browsing occult texts in a bookstore trying to get back on my game when I bumped into her. A total doll of a girl- almost literally. Didn’t think there was a gothic lolita scene in Vienna, but one must learn something new every day to continue growing. Initially we began to chat as person to person, and she learned of my Awakened status before I learned of her vampiric one, following the old proverb of “All that glitters is magi” or something of those lines. 

Really, we hit it off, she had an impeccable sense of humor, we shared many of the same opinions about magic, and really the evening was wonderful. If all Tremere were like her, and I were doing this list based on general demeanors, the clan would be far higher up on this list. She was even amused by my research, and even volunteered to participate! Consent is important, know that. 

So, where does this go wrong? What happens after I take such a sweet girl to my hotel room? 

Well...the night itself was alright. Nothing mind-blowing, and she didn’t bother to stay long after. I’ve had better in college, but my nightmare began after I left the next night. 

On the streets of Vienna I became a bit of a celebrity, as the undead paparazzi had come out to question me as to my intentions with one of their “Regents”. For the first few bump-ins, I thought of them as simple coincidences, and I explained that I meant no ill will, just that we crossed paths, leaving out the mediocre sex of course. As the night progressed, though, it seemed that people were seeking me out. Apparently, a less than stellar evening with a middle-rung one of their ranks makes for an insult to the entire clan, and did you know that there’s an entire path of Thaumaturgy dedicated to setting things on fire? Makes great for a mob of angry warlocks. Truly fascinating, just not directed towards me. 

I took an emergency flight next morning. 

To conclude, the Tremere make for an interesting group of individuals, but the risk related to accidentally getting on the entire clan’s blacklist is far too great for any reward to offset. Much with the Ventrue, I say again - if you’re swooning, be careful at least. Oh, and a word of advice from my companions in House Tytalus…

Don’t take any gifts!


End file.
